where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
