Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
