my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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