Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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