Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
He did a backflip because drugs
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
