I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
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