im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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