Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
