What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
