God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
