I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
