I just threw up on my dentist
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
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