I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
