I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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