I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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