That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
