Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
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