my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I skipped work to stalk him.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
