Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
