I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
