No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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