I wish I could teleport
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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