you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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