If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Randomize
