plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
