final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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