i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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