remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
