They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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