I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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