I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
