oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Randomize
