apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
