dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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