I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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