have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
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We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize