When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
