woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
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