Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
