On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
