Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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