Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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