I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
