i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
