Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
