He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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