Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Randomize
