One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I supernannyed him into submission
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
