I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
