your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
