last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
