Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
