I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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