saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Is Oprah even human
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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