Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
