i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
birth control should be required to get into college
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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