i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
