just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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