I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Please, let me fuck your mom
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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