I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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