A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
