Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
